Saint Goat's Day Transcript
OLFGA Good. Soft humans and elf do exactly as Olfga planned. Spartak! ORC BOY SPARTAK Hm? OLFGA Follow them. Soon we pay final visit to Olfga's new friends! NARRATOR Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root! Theme music SCENE 1. INT. DWARVEN MUSEUM. ' ''SOUND: LARGE DOORS OPENING. A large open space, a tiled floor. Other people quietly talking. GILBERT Well, this certainly looks like a museum. FAENDYR BARD What gave it away? Was it the GIANT sign saying "museum"? GILBERT I'm just trying to establish where we are in an audio format. Slow, shuffling elderly FOOTSTEPS approach as: OLD DWARF Welcome to the Jade Reach National Museum of Magical and Arcane Arti-- COLIN Hail and well met, friend! PATRONS Shhhhh! COLIN (quieter) Hail and well met, friend. OLD DWARF Um. Hello child. Before you enter, we humbly ask that you pay what you are able so we may keep our doors open for all scholars who come seeking knowledge. COMPANIONS Uhhh, well... *non committal noises* COLIN Do not worry, my friends! I shall pay for all of us. Here, my good sir. Take this! OLD DWARF And... what is this? COLIN It's my favorite leaf. Don't spend it all in one place. OLD DWARF ... Are you here to get off the streets, or may I direct you to any particular exhibits? CAMILLA We've heard this museum is home to one of the Unholy Relics. GILBERT We're, um, grad students? COLIN I'm a full-grown gnome! OLD DWARF This museum is indeed home to one of the Demon Relics. It is the prize of our collection- the Consumer of Flesh. It is bound to the demon Uxellodunon, but we have been unable to verify that claim. CAMILLA Mm. Ah. Yes. GILBERT Mmhm. BIANKA Grad students, huh? OLD DWARF I can take you to it. But I must ask you to maintain a respectful distance from our artifacts. GILBERT Of course. Thank you, sir. We understand that you don't want visitors touching your exhibits. OLD DWARF No. Not all visitors. Just you and your compatriots. BIANKA Looks like the artifacts aren't the only antiques in this place. OLD DWARF Excuse me? BIANKA I was just saying what a wonderful collection of antiques in this place. OLD DWARF Wait a moment... I think I've seen your face before. BIANKA Me? Aw, that's highly unlikely. OLD DWARF You look very familiar. BIANKA That's not possible. OLD DWARF Please, wait here. I need to check something, uh, in the office. The Old Dwarf slowly walks away as: BIANKA Okay, quick. We have three... no make that five minutes tops before he makes it back and realizes we're gone. GILBERT Why did he recognize you? BIANKA I have one of those faces. You're here to steal this staff right? Or have I misread the entire vibe...? CAMILLA You're not... incorrect. GILBERT It's a little more complicated than that. FAENDYR It's really not though? GILBERT We're doing this for Rodney! COLIN Who's Rodney? CAMILLA He's a root. GILBERT He's not just a root! BIANKA Okay cool cool, I genuinely don't care about your motivation. We've got like four minutes now. Are we going to do this thing or what? COLIN Let's do it! The companions RUN down the tiled hallway. GILBERT Sorry! Don't mind us... sorry... excuse me. FAENDYR Where are we going? There's like a million rooms in this place. BIANKA Maybe this one? DOOR OPENING. A menacing GROWL. Quick DOOR CLOSE. BIANKA Nope. GILBERT What in the infernal plane was that and why keep it in a public museum?? BIANKA Uh, maybe this hallway here? FAENDYR We can't run down every hallway in this place, that will take hours. KEVIN *squeak* COLIN It's down the hall to the left. CAMILLA Did Brad tell you this? COLIN No, Brad has never been here, this is his cousin Kevin. KEVIN (squeaks) COLIN Kevin says hi. GILBERT There are a disconcerting amount of rats in this city. KEVIN (squeak) COLIN Kevin says this room here. CONTINUOUS: '''SCENE 2. MUSEUM ROOM. There is a disconcerting magickal droning coming from the glass case holding the staff. COLIN Oooooooh. BIANKA Wow. CAMILLA Is that the staff? In that glass case? FAENDYR Sitting in the middle of a room with nothing else? It has to be. COLIN Well done, Kevin! Everyone thank Kevin. GILBERT Thanks, Kevin. KEVIN (squeak) FAENDYR Does anyone else feel... weird? GILBERT Yeah. There's something wrong with that staff. CAMILLA Well, it must be the one we want then. You don't name something the Consumer of Flesh if it gives you a nice, warm fuzzy feeling. BIANKA Trust me, this is it. COLIN What's those scratches there? GILBERT That's writing Colin. It's a plaque. Since we're in a museum it probably tells us what in the case. COLIN Oooh! GILBERT I'm not sure what it says though, I think it's in Dwarvish. BIANKA It says "Don't touch the glass" COLIN Oh. CAMILLA We need to focus. We only have so much time before someone wanders in. FOOTSTEPS come in the room. BIANKA This room is closed. PATRON Oh. There isn't a sign... BIANKA We haven't put it up yet. COLIN We're stealing anything! PATRON Uh... BIANKA You need to leave. PATRON Um. BIANKA Now. PATRON Ah. Um... Okay... He quickly leaves CAMILLA We need to speed this up. GILBERT How do we get it out of the case? Should we just break the glass? FAENDYR Ugh, that's so hit-and-run. BIANKA It probably wouldn't work anyway. I'd bet good coin the glass is magickally reinforced. Dwarves are all about practical applications of magick. FAENDYR Versus whom, exactly? GILBERT Hey Faendyr, couldn't you open the lock? FAENDYR I mean, technically I could. But I'd have to figure out what kind of lock it is, and if there is any magick involved with the lock itself, and that alone takes a while, and then I have to-- BIANKA I got this. Bianka picks the lock. GILBERT So... where did you learn to pick locks? BIANKA I had a rough childhood. Also it impresses girls, so. GILBERT I wouldn't know. CAMILLA As long as we get out of here without being arrested for theft, consider me impressed. The lock opens and the glass door opens slightly. The magickal barrier disapates. BIANKA That was easy. CAMILLA I must say, this is the first thing we've done that's actually gone well. OLFGA Hello soft humans and elf! Also new dwarf lady. COLIN Oh! Hello! GILBERT Oh my gods. FAENDYR Of course. Fantastic. Wonderful. CAMILLA Olfga! OLFGA And boys! BIANKA Friends of yours? COLIN Yes. FAENDYR No! GILBERT What are you doing here? You said we could go free. OLFGA Olfga did say this yes. Olfga hear that soft friends have own quest for Demon staff. FAENDYR Gil! GILBERT Sorry. OLFGA Olfga overhear tall elf muttering in sleep about quest for old strong magick objects. FAENDYR Jokes on you, elves don't sleep. CAMILLA Then what's your excuse? OLFGA Olfga and Boys also look for magick object for important client. Was- how you say- fortuitous. GILBERT Yes, actually. Perfect pronunciation. CAMILLA Gil. GILBERT Sorry. OLFGA Olfga not stupid. Olfga know even if dwarves let strong beautiful orcs in museum, Olfga and boys could not get through case without breaking glass and alerting museum workers. So, Olfga let soft stupid humans do hard work instead. GILBERT That's actually not a bad plan. OLFGA You give Olfga staff now. CAMILLA Or what? OLFGA Or you all die. A dramatic beat, then: CAMILLA That's funny. OLFGA Olfga is very serious. CAMILLA No. I just realized that today is St. Goat's Day. FAENDYR Oh yeah! GILBERT It figures St. Goat's Day would be the day that I die... SCENE 3. INT. THE CASTLE. THRONE ROOM. ''' A temp bard plays the hapsicord as courtiers mingle. ALFRED Willis! CAT COLLAR BELL as Willis approaches. ALFRED There you are... What's that? WILLIS You told me to wear a cat's collar with a bell, sire. I obliged. ALFRED Well, I have changed my mind. WILLIS Very well, sire. ALFRED Do you know what day it is today? WILLIS Thorsday, sire. ALFRED You are partially correct. Today is St Goat's Day! ABRUPT STOP to live music. A cheese platter falls to the floor. The courtiers moan. WILLIS Oh, no, sire. ALFRED Oh yes, sire! WILLIS Please, your majesty. I'd rather not. ALFRED Well too bad, Willis. Prepare the catapult! Or should I say goat-a-pult? (Transition) No, that's lame. Strike that, Willis. Prepare the catapult! '''SCENE 4. INT. THE MUSEUM. EXHIBIT ROOM. GILBERT I'm sorry, but no. We won't give you the staff. OLFGA Olfga must have not heard correctly. GILBERT This quest of ours hasn't exactly gone as planned... OLFGA Thanks to Olfga and boys, yes? GILBERT I mean, I didn't say that-- CAMILLA Gil! GILBERT My point is: We've actually accomplished something here, and you're not going to take that away from us. OLFGA Olfga will not ask again. Give Olfga staff. Now. BARD We will do no such thing! OLFGA Who is this? BARD I'm the Bard! OLFGA ... Who? BARD The bard. I've been here the whole time. OLFGA Olfga thinks not. BOYS (agreement) BARD You imprisoned me along with everyone else! OLFGA Did Olfga do this? BARD Yes! That... boy ''over there held me in chains! BOY Eh. BARD I'm a member of this party! GILBERT Mm um it's not... mm. CAMILLA Not really. FAENDYR I feel like this is the first I'm seeing him? BARD None of you take me seriously as a character! GILBERT No, we do. BARD Then what's my name? Hm? GIL, FAENDYR, CAMILLA Uhhhh...? BARD Oh come on! I've been working at the castle for five years. CAMILLA I make it a point to not learn the names of the staff. It's a power move. COLIN Is your name Tiffany? BARD No! My name.... is not..... Tiffany! COLIN Are you sure? BARD Yes I'm sure!!! I will no longer sit by and let the story happen around me. I'm moving it forward myself! The Bard walks toward the case, and fully opens the door GILBERT What are you doing? BARD Obviously I'm taking the staff for myself! I have to say for a top-billed character you are pretty dense. BIANKA Wait! Don't touch it-- As the bard touches the staff, strange wisperings errupt. His scream echoes and falls away as the staff hits the ground FAENDYR Um? GILBERT Ugh! CAMILLA My gods! Did it just eat him?? OLFGA What happened to annoying human? FAENDYR I mean no loss, but jeez. BIANKA Quick, grab the staff, but don't let it touch your skin. FAENDYR I have my opera gloves here--- CAMILLA You brought opera gloves?! FAENDYR You didn't? BIANKA Careful! FAENDYR Got it! As he picks it up, the strange droning stops. Woah, this thing has some crazy powerful magick, that's for sure. OLFGA Stop tall elf! Give Olfga bard-eating staff or-- SOUND: Gil DRAWS HIS SWORD GIL Or what? FAENDYR Hey, orcs- catch this: ''Incende! A FIREBALL ERUPTS. The sound of FIRE continues. FAENDYR Nice! That is the biggest fireball I've ever cast! Daddy like. COLIN Is that orc supposed to be on fire? ORC BOY *screaming* FAENDYR Uh, yeah. COLIN What about the rug? FAENDYR Uh oh... Fire whoosh as the tapestries go up in flames. COLIN And the tapestries? GILBERT Oh my gods. FAENDYR Uhhhh... oopsey poopsey. CAMILLA We need to get out of here, now! COLIN Kevin told me there are tunnels big enough for us to fit through! BIANKA He's right. There are maintenance tunnels for the elevators that lead out to the surface. There's one out the back. Come on! RUNNING, OLFGA AND BOYS YELLING AFTER THEM GILBERT How do you know all of this? You said you'd never been to this city before. BIANKA Did I? OLD DWARF Wait! Stop! FAENDYR Yeah, my bad! OLD DWARF And no running in the museum! GILBERT Sorry! SOUND: DOOR OPENING BIANKA Through here! OLD DWARF That area is not for patrons! BIANKA Let's go let's go let's go...! COLIN Bye bye Mr Dwarf! OLD DWARF Sto--- Bianks slams the door. They are now inside of the maintiance tunnels. BIANKA These tunnels were made for dwarves so you might might wanna-- SOUND: FAENDYR'S HEAD HITTING METAL FAENDYR Ow! Gods! CAMILLA Careful! GILBERT Are you alright? FAENDYR No! BIANKA Sorry, I thought that would have been a given. We take this turn up here. SCENE 5. EXT. KIRKLAND'S BORDER WITH WESTLAND. A field. A trumpet singles the begining of the festivies. Courtiers chatter. KING ALFRED Welcome to the royal court's St. Goat's Day celebration, here at the border with Westland and in sight of Jeffrey's stupid castle! Thank you for joining us for this, our fifth annual goat-toss. Hit it, Willis. WILLIS Very well, sire. A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air. KING ALFRED Oooh! Look at him go! Beautiful. SOUND: The goat lands far away. It bleats (it's fine). QUINTON (far away) Excuse me? Excuse me! KING ALFRED Ah! Hullo, Quinton! Fancy seeing you here! Willis, launch another one. A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air. Coutiers appricate its flight. QUINTON (closer) It's Lord ''Quinton now. His majesty Jeffrey was kind enough to give me a ti-- Oh my! SOUND: Goat lands. QUINTON That goat almost killed me! WILLIS If only I were so fortunate. KING ALFRED Jeffrey gave ''you ''a ''title?! Whatever for? QUINTON (now here) You can't throw goats into our country. KING ALFRED But I just did. QUINTON I don't mean you physically aren't able to. You aren't allowed. KING ALFRED Says who? QUINTON King Jeffrey. WILLIS Here we go. QUINTON Oh. Oh dear. KING ALFRED King ''Jeffrey! King ''Jeffrey dares to infringe upon my religious freedom?! QUINTON With all due respect, King Alfred, St. Goat's Day is not a religious holiday. KING ALFRED It is in Kirkland!!! WILLIS St. Goat's day honors the day that the founders of our countries, Lords Kirk and West respectively, argued over a magical goat, leading to their irreparable separation and our two nations. QUINTON I know what St. Goat's Day is! The issue is the goats are landing in Westland, which presents a bit of a problem for us. KING ALFRED That's the whole point! Willis? WILLIS Yes, sire. SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING. QUINTON That aside, it isn't very kind to the goats involved. KING ALFRED They're fine. They're wearing helmets. WILLIS And padding, sire. KING ALFRED Yes, as my man said, and padding. QUINTON You're still launching them out of a catapult. It must be a very jarring experience. WILLIS I am told they enjoy it. KING ALFRED And now they get to live in your "wonderful" country. How lucky them for them. QUINTON Please, King Alfred. We do this every year. KING ALFRED That's because it's an annual tradition. QUINTON I'm begging you. KING ALFRED Oh ho! A Westlander begging a boon of Kirkland! Mark this day, Willis! WILLIS Yes, sire. KING ALFRED I will only stop if King Jeffrey asks me to. QUINTON Oh he does! Very much so. KING ALFRED No no, I mean here. Himself. In person. Maybe if he could get down on his knees a little, too. QUINTON King Jeffrey is attending to vital matters of state. KING ALFRED Oh boo hoo. Willis? SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING. KING ALFRED I'm not stopping our revelries until King Jeffrey himself comes here. QUINTON You'll be waiting a long time. KING ALFRED (deadly serious) I've got a lot ''of ''goats. A goat lands. Bleats. SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF SUNKEN KINGDOM. SOUND: A metal HATCH OPENS near a stream in Northern Kirkland. COMPANIONS (gasping for breath) GILBERT Oh gods, I don't think I've done that much running since the Chicken Affair. COLIN That was so much fun! I love fleeing for our lives, can we do it again? CAMILLA Gods, I hope not. FAENDYR I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna lie down for a sec-- SOUND: Faendyr COLLAPSES GILBERT Are you alright, Faendyr? FAENDYR Oh yeah. I mean I have a concussion and I just ran, like, a mile. I'm fine. (vomits) CAMILLA Ugh. Disgusting. BIANKA What's going on here, anyway? What are you doing? FAENDYR Well, currently, I'm dying... BIANKA You're not exactly the typical people who steal infamous magical objects. No offence, but you guys seem really in over your heads. COLIN I'm not in over my head, I'm tall for my age! BIANKA Pfft. You're, what? Six, seven? Maybe like a hundred years ago, kid. GILBERT He's actually one hundred and seven. More or less. COLIN I was kidnapped by faeries! BIANKA That explains a lot actually. But that doesn't explain what a princess, a fancy elf, and a knight with a stick are doing stealing one of the Unholy Relics. GILBERT This isn't a stick. It's a root. I mean, it's not a root. It's my friend. Rodney. BIANKA Okay...? FAENDYR Sir Rodney was turned into a root by a witch. COLIN Um... excuse me? FAENDYR Not now, kid, grown-ups are talking. CAMILLA We're actually on a quest to find a unicorn for my father's zoological gardens. BIANKA Unicorns are an endangered species and there are international laws banning their capture and captivity. CAMILLA My father is an idiot. BIANKA But what were you doing in Jade Reach? Last I checked unicorns aren't burrowing creatures. COLIN May I say something? GILBERT We're also collecting some of the Relics so the witch can turn Sir Rodney back. BIANKA Oh. That makes sense. The Lauright Rule and all that. FAENDYR The what? BIANKA The Lauright Rule? To undo a spell, you need a stronger magic than what was used to make it? FAENDYR I knew what it was, I just didn't think you did. CAMILLA Bianka, how do you know that? Magical theory isn't exactly common knowledge. BIANKA By way of explanation, allow me to make a proposal. This may surprise you, but I'm a professional thief. GILBERT (sarcastic) Noooo! BIANKA I know, it's a lot to take in. My specialty is finding and stealing arcane objects for collectors- mostly from other collectors. You know the type- nobles with more money than brains. CAMILLA The most common type. BIANKA I also happen to know where many of the remaining Relics are located. GILBERT And how do you know this? BIANKA Word gets around in my business. And I just happen to be looking for some. Business, I mean. CAMILLA What are your terms? BIANKA Just an equal share of whatever reward you're receiving. GILBERT Those are certainly fair terms, and Bianka has been very helpful so far. I say she joins the Companions. FAENDYR I'll probably be dead in like five minutes, so whatever, cool. BIANKA Whaddya say, Princess? CAMILLA Frankly, we need whatever assistance we are able to find. BIANKA So you don't mind that I steal stuff for a living? CAMILLA While I may not personally endorse what you do, I am not one to look a gift gryphon in the beak. COLIN MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION? Welcome to the Companions of the Root, Bianka. BIANKA Aw, you have a group name. Love it. GILBERT Well, now we just need to track down that ring and a unicorn. COLIN EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!! EVERYONE (surprised noises) COLIN I apologize, but it is important. GILBERT What is it Colin? COLIN Look...! SOUND: MAGICAL SPARKLY NOISES. HORSE WHINNY. CAMILLA Is that? GILBERT It can't be. FAENDYR Oh gods, I'm hallucinating. I see a unicorn! BIANKA Woah. BARD (NARRATOR V/O) It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions-- COMPANIONS (shocked noises) FAENDYR Now I'm hearing the Bard! Ohmygods, am I dead too?! COLIN Are you hiding? Oooh! Are we playing hide and seek? I'll hide! GILBERT No, Colin. SOUND: Colin RUNS AWAY. COLIN Too late, come find me! CAMILLA We thought you were dead! BARD I am, in fact, dead. Thanks. My physical form was completely torn asunder. It was incredibly traumatic, glad you brought it up. But death has only made me fully omniscient and omnipotent. It's a Saint Goat's Day miracle. GILBERT Don't take Saint Goat's name in vain. BARD I'm trying to wrap up this episode. Can I-- do you mind? CAMILLA Yes. BARD It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions. What could they possibly do to screw this one up? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! ... Mortals END CREDITS (Lena) The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Yasmin Tuazon, Stacey Kruml, Bill Hurlbut, Andrew Quilpa, Tom Howley, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish SCENE 7. EXT. AFTER CREDITS. BORDER WITH WESTLAND. Twilight. A large amount of goats bleating in the distance. SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. WILLIS That was the last goat, sire. KING ALFRED Jeffrey didn't come, Willis. WILLIS And the courtiers have all gone home. KING ALFRED He never comes. Was it something I said? WILLIS Perhaps it was the goats, sire. KING ALFRED No, that can't be it. WILLIS Of course not, sire. Who could object to having goats thrown at them? KING ALFRED We have to do something bigger next year to get his attention. Maybe cows? WILLIS Perhaps, sire. Shall we go home? KING ALFRED Yes. But Willis- collect my goats first. WILLIS The goats, sire? KING ALFRED Jeffrey doesn't deserve to keep them. WILLIS I-- (sigh) Very well sire. BLOOPER LAURA Just... alright. MICHAEL This isn't Brad? LAURA (cross talk) No. LENA (cross talk) Oh you're right, this is Brad. LAURA No. LENA No! This is Kevin! MICHAEL No this is Kevin! This is our introduction to Kevin. LAURA and LENA Yes. LENA This is Kevin's first line everyone! LAURA This is really important guys. DANIEL Yes! Yes yes. (The Michaels and Bridgette laugh) And a hush fell over the room. LENA Mhm. (a pause) LAURA SQUEAK! (Everyone tries to not laugh)